When Holding Boundaries Feels Hard — But Necessary

Every now and then, I’m challenged in my work — not by the healing itself, but by situations where a client is unwilling or unable to take responsibility for their own actions.

Recently, I had one such experience that reminded me why boundaries and integrity are so essential in this work.

A client I hadn’t seen for a couple of months came back for a scheduled session. At the start of our time together, she admitted she hadn’t been entirely honest with me. A few weeks earlier, she had chosen to receive a Reiki attunement from another teacher — a decision I have absolutely no issue with. I actively encourage anyone considering Reiki training to explore different teachers and choose the one they feel most drawn to. The relationship between student and teacher in Reiki is deeply personal, and it has to feel like a good match.

What concerned me, however, was that she was still within the 21-day integration and detox period following her Level 1 attunement — a crucial and sacred phase that many teachers, including myself, take very seriously.

It takes 21 days to form a habit!

Why the 21 Days Matter

Those 21 days are not arbitrary. They are the time when a student grounds into the Reiki energy and works daily on self-healing. The body, mind, and energy system often go through a significant detoxification process, releasing what no longer serves and integrating the new frequency. It’s a deeply personal and transformative time, and traditionally, during this period a student works only on themselves — not on other people, or animals.

This phase is about learning to flow, hold and understand the energy within one’s own system before interacting with others. In my teaching, I emphasise this repeatedly, and my students return to see me at the end of the 21 days so we can review their progress and prepare them for the next steps.

Standards and Integrity in Reiki Teaching

During our conversation, the client shared that she had spent a weekend completing her Level 1 training, during which she received four separate attunements. The teacher, she told me, only mentioned the 21-day detox period briefly as she was leaving — so much so that my client had to buy a book afterward to learn what it actually meant.

Now, I only have her word for this, but unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve encountered this pattern. As a Master Teacher who has been practising and teaching Reiki for nearly 20 years, I am consistently baffled by the tendency some teachers have to offer multiple attunements for Level 1 and yet fail to stress the importance of self-care and self-practice during those first 21 days.

We know — or at least we should know — that it takes 21 days to form a habit. This initial period is also an essential time for the student to ground and integrate their connection with Reiki. So why wouldn’t this be emphasised as a foundational part of their training?

And why four attunements for Level 1? Traditional Usui Reiki teaches one attunement at Level 1, two at Level 2, and so on. To me, offering more than that suggests either a lack of confidence in one’s own Reiki practice or a misunderstanding of the process itself. Either way, it risks confusing students and diminishing the depth and power of their experience.

It’s frustrating — deeply so — because these choices ripple outward. They create situations like the one I found myself in: where a student hasn’t been given the full picture, doesn’t understand the importance of their integration phase, and ends up feeling upset when a practitioner like me enforces boundaries rooted in tradition and integrity.

The Moment I Had to Say “No”

Because my client was still within this integration window, I explained that I could not work with her that day. My energy is strong and could interfere with the delicate adjustments happening within her field. More importantly, it’s not my place to intervene in a process that began under another teacher’s guidance. That responsibility lies with the teacher who attuned her.

This explanation was met with a strong emotional reaction. She told me she’d been feeling very sad that week and had hoped I could make her feel better. As much as I empathised, I knew that working with her in that state — and at that time — would be out of alignment with my principles and potentially disruptive to her journey.

I offered to reschedule the session for after her 21 days had passed, and I even invited her to a Reiki share I was hosting in early October, where she could connect with others and practise in a safe space. Still, she was upset, and I could feel the depth of her reaction as she left.

Standing Firm in Integrity

Later, she contacted me to request a full refund for the session. I returned the balance but retained the deposit to honour the time I had set aside for her. I also reminded her — gently but clearly — that just as clients have the right to choose their practitioners, I too have the right to refuse a session when it conflicts with my ethics and the integrity of my work.

It’s never easy to hold a boundary when someone is upset. As healers, therapists, or practitioners, many of us have a deep desire to comfort and help — and it can feel counterintuitive to say “no” in a moment of someone else’s pain. But integrity means doing what’s right, not just what’s easy.

In this case, refusing the session was the most supportive thing I could do — for both of us. It protected the sanctity of her Reiki journey, honoured the principles I teach, and reinforced that responsibility in healing work goes both ways.

The Lesson in It All

This experience reminded me of something I share often with my students and clients alike: healing is not something done to you; it’s something you actively participate in. Practitioners can hold space, guide, and facilitate — but ultimately, each person must take responsibility for their own process.

Boundaries like this may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but they are what keep the work rooted in truth and integrity. And sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is step back and let someone walk their part of the path alone.

Thanks for reading

Angela